Pushing Blogging To The Limit

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I have not posted recently because I have been acutely depressed. Despite my attempts to get my life sorted before treatment so I could have a fighting chance at overcoming my illness I am still hounded by the ordinary affairs of life.
I am currently in dispute with my mortgage provider. As yet I am publishing no information as to the details but for the record it looks a brilliant story of lying, incompetence and sheer bloody mindedness.
As I say, I was becoming depressed over the matter because I felt like a helpless victim being mercilessly crushed by a monolithic corporation.
I was even suicidal.
But then I remembered the Blog!! My own website where I can freely vent my own frustrations and warn others of this foul firms practices. I suddenly felt a surge of power and a feeling of YES I want to live and hound these bastards as they have hounded me. I will push the power of blogging to the limit in standing up for the rights of the common man.
I will expose corruption wherever it may be. I will expose it fearlessly as I have nothing to lose. As Soltznetsin said,
“Tell the totalitarian authorities everywhere not to make that one fatal error of taking away everything from the common man. Because you will have just made him free all over again”

I have faced death and I don`t fear it. I can now live without fear. These people can do nothing to me as I expose them for the merciless tyrannical practices they employ.
There is hope in this sad tale though.
I can reveal that many staff at this as yet unnamed firm are leaving as they cannot stand the practices the firm is employing.
If only Germans in Nazi Germany had employed such conscientious measures we may not have had the second world war.
Like the prison guard at Auschwitz said,
“I never killed anyone I just opened the doors of the cattle trucks and helped them out”
I await this firms next step. You might all end up seeing my picture in the papers after all.
If they choose to try and gag me it will be headlines. They say the internet is a free place. They use that excuse to allow pornographers and subversive elements to have their say.
Well, lets just see if ordinary Joe Blogger can have his say.

Other Readers

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I have become increasingly aware that there are readers of this blog other than those with hepc. Through comments and emails friends and strangers are getting in touch. Because of this in future I am going to cut down the tx jargon and explain more fully the ins and outs of treatment. You don`t need to be a fellow sufferer to comment on this blog. Just feel free to make nice comments.
The excellent news that is just out this week that most heppers already know about is the successful trial of a new drug VX 750 which looks set to revolutionise hepc treatment. There are staggering results in just the first few days of treatment which result in a two log drop of the virus. A two log drop is found by just crossing two noughts off any figure. So, if a starting point was 5,000 then a two log drop would be 50 or lower.
The really amazing news is that there are very few side effects, hardly any compared to the current treatment. So, no matter what happens to me at the six month mark, whether I am able to continue or not there is still this new treatment in the pipeline. It could be in use in five years which is not long as the expected wait for a breakthrough was eight years.
This news has given me a real boost as I now see alternatives instead of dead ends.
I don’t regret starting tx whatever the outcome of this present treatment or whether this new treatment would have been easier. This is because this period has been a great way to assess my life and make some changes, which I probably would not have done if all had continued just bouncing along as normal. To take some time out at this stage has been a very valuable experience, regardless of the tough time it has been.
So, definitely on an up at the moment, but as I am currently on a roller coaster I am ready for the next stomach lurching drop.

Onwards And Upwards

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I have been greatly helped in sorting out my week 12 crisis by visiting an American Hepc Forum. With 1,700 members there is a large information base and I found at least 6 people who are in or around the 12 week test mark and many of them have had the exact same crisis as myself.
Many wish for a negative viral response in order to stop treatment. One woman put all her meds in a bag, went into the forest and threw them all away. Her family, including her kids, went out to find them and bring them home. It was her shot night and she still went through with it.
Are we amazing people or what??
A lot of those in the forum are in recovery from addiction of one sort or another and to show such strength of character by people who the world considers weak is very enlightening. Nothing is what it seems and the media has brainwashed all of us into seeing things the way it wants.
I hope that one of the things I will take away from tx is a more understanding view of people and their situations.
So, it is business as usual for the next 10 weeks until my 6 month test. I will know after my test then whether I will be carrying on or not. A test for the virus at 6 months needs to show clear for there being a chance for their to be a sustained response at the end of treatment.

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Week 12 Results

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I still feel as if I am sorting my head out as regards my latest crisis point. But something that has helped and not helped is getting my week 12 results. Confused? Yes, so am I.
My viral load at the beginning of treatment was not measured properly. They did a cheap test which only measured particles of virus up to 5,500,000 – then they stopped counting. So my viral load was at least five and a half million, but it could have been anything. The highest recorded is 45 million so I could have had anything up to that figure or even more, I could have been a new world record!!
My current viral load is 58,000 which is almost a two log drop (just cross off two noughts) but not quite. But the question that is unanswerable now is what was my actual starting figure? How can they expect a 2 log drop of an unknown figure? Someone has dropped a bollock. As if I didn`t have enough stress.
Anyway the upshot is that they are going to continue treatment till 24 weeks and then test me again – not for a viral load, but for the presence of the virus in my bloodstream. If there is any sign of the virus treatment will stop but if I am clear tx will continue till week 48.
A test at week 12 is difficult enough to cope with but I should really have had a decision one way or another. Now it is the same again at week 24.
However, having kicked this around in my overwrought, stressed and fogged brain I can see that it just may work to my advantage. Another 10 weeks is doable and I can probably hang on in there till then and have a new decision made for me.
Nothing is straightforward and I am so glad I asked for a copy of all my bloods and original viral load from the start.
I had a tremendous amount of support by comments on my blog, emails and phone calls. I hope to get round to acknowledging them all but thanks to all of you for being here.

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Could Be The End

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Today was really the last straw that made me realise I could not keep on with this madness. The thought of nine more months of this hell is too much. I have tried to remain positive but the endless cloud over the whole of life is too much. If I could just have a break from all this – to get off the front line. But it is relentless. I am now hoping for a negative viral response so that I will be forced to give up treatment.
I won’t quit – I’m far too stubborn for that – stubborn mind you, not brave. But I was secretly hoping that the results of week 12 would be negative and I suddenly voiced that today to Sarah. Once it was out in the open I saw that this is what I really wanted.
I don`t feel I am letting myself or anyone else down. I gave it my best shot, I did the best I could. I forgot to take my riba tonight at the usual time. When I realised this I could still have taken them but I didn`t bother. I won`t keep doing this.

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Waiting

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Patience is a virtue that is in short supply in our instant culture. It is something I am still learning but I am trying to hurry up the process as the waiting is killing me!!
My nurse was pleased with me again. I call her my dominatrix because I do everything she tells me. I bought her a small whip to encourage her in this role, but it will be up to her to provide the rest. It is never my intention to force my views on anyone.
Hee, hee. Actually that is all true and it is great to be able to have a good laugh while discussing some very serious issues. Sarah always accompanies me to the monthly meeting and has my nurse in fits describing my developing “feminine side” with all it`s attendant mood swings and seemingly irrational behaviour.
So the blood tests are in and I will be contacted as soon as they are back, hopefully by middle of May. Watch this space. I went into a depression after the tests and lost interest in blogs and everything. But as Sarah pointed out this waiting time is like a no mans land where the future of continuing tx is in limbo. I have noticed others who were waiting for their 12 week pcr results not posting for a couple of weeks while everything hung in the balance. I understand this now.
But I do find blogging therapeutic and whenever I am writing I find I lose myself (and my misery) so I will continue to blog away. I also find blogging about other subjects other than hepc a light relief from the illness. I have also discovered blogs other than hepc which I visit for a welcome break.
There is a notable one by a guy called Alex who lives in Milan and does a sort of travelblog of daily life in Italy’s capital. I try and avoid those blogs inviting me to enjoy other couples sexual escapades of one sort or another. With so much time on my hands it would be easy to get caught up in such things, and I need ALL my energy to fight this virus.
If the weather improves I hope to get out on my bicycle. It hasn`t been out for three years so could do with the exercise. I have discovered that not everyone loses weight on tx and ends up looking like a junkie. Some people who don`t have the side effect of going off their food can turn to food as their comfort and end up really overweight after tx. Watch them Danish pastries Ron! Better cut them down to just half a dozen a day!
Thanks for all your good wishes. The support of fellow heppers has been crucial in my journey.

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