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A Hepc blog, genotype 1, from discovery of virus, till (hopefully) the successful outcome. Also logging the mental, emotional and spiritual journey that this will entail. The entire contents of this blog are copyrighted by Paul Wilcox and Paul Wilcox reserves all rights granted by law to be associated with this blog.

Location: United Kingdom

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Poetry Therapy

I got up one morning recently and felt terrible. I was going round in a daze with negative thoughts when the idea came to write it down and get them out. I did and this poem is the result. I wrote it in just fifteen minutes – just pouring it out.
Afterwards when I read it through I laughed out loud.
Writing for me is great therapy for getting stuff out of my head. It stops the round and round thoughts that you feel you can’t escape from.
Far from ending up feeling maudlin and sorry for myself I felt elated.
I hope to discuss some ideas and strategies for getting through difficult times.
And they don’t have to be on treatment either.
We get them as a result of being alive on planet earth.

Awakened with the same muscle aches
The habitual reaching out for the pill of relief that will allow the slow getting into the day
Lying there wondering how long?
Going back in time to the beginning.

There was the shock discovery of an alien invasion
Probably been undercover for years
Tell tale symptoms of their existence that the establishment didn’t recognise or instead denied
Are they a virus as well?

The family after shock, the questions, the non answers, the waiting for the various steps.
Preparing for battle.
The final moment of marching into war the glorious prize of freedom and a new life gleaming ahead

The steady plod, plod through heavy days of combination drugs
Isolation of normal life – normal? What was that like anyway?
The endless internet searching for comfort
What about the itching, the sleeplessness, the sweats, the fog of confusion that descends, the rage, the depression.
Is this normal? Am I normal?

The friends found. Fellow sufferers invaded and violated by a detected and counted but unseen foe,
Unseen but felt, eating into our vital resources,
Slowing us down.
Amazing empathy. They know. They feel the same. We share our common humanity in a special way.

The results of warfare. The wins, the losses.
The victors. The failures.

Freed from the virus or stuck with it.
Moving on as best you can.
The losers awakening with the same muscle aches
The habitual reaching out for the pill of relief that will allow the slow getting into the day
Lying there wondering how long?

The Monthly script for pain from virus and interferon caused
The unbidden thought, why not just take them all?


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Moving On

Long time no post.
That is because I have been re - orientating my life and preparing for entry back into the mainstream.
Because I ran my own business which I shut down in order to do treatment I now have the opportunity to stand still and take stock of my life.
A very rare occurrence in any century but in the 21st, well, we don’t allow ourselves a moment to consider the treadmill that has been prepared for us or the chains that we have forged for ourselves.
“We bear the chains we forge in life”, said Bob Marley to Scrooge.
“Link by link we make them and add them to the chain”.

When Neo is set free from the matrix he returns after awhile. Released, and with his eyes open to the fact that it is all a computer generated illusion he is astonished to realise that all the places he went to (the restaurant where he ate – “Good noodles”) still seem so real yet in reality do not exist at all.
“Frightening isn’t it”, says Morpheus.

Damn right its frightening. Whereas I see the world as concrete and governed by all the laws that physics and the other sciences have discovered yet I realise that my mind is often tricked and deceived into believing things that are not true.
Propaganda is a word that is no longer used in the media.
Why is that?
Instead it is called Public Relations or Spin.
And the term Big Brother coined by Orwell as representing the head of a crushing totalitarian system has now been replaced – again by the media – by the term “Nanny State”, a much more comforting and soothing notion.
Mention Big Brother now and you immediately conjure up a picture of sad celebrities posing and posturing, pretending that they are on their own while actually being watched by millions of people.

And this is called reality TV!

Its a sad sick society but I wont get any points for saying that. We all know it.
What we don’t have a lot of is answers.
Thirty two years ago I met God. Over the years I have got to know Him quite well.
This last year or so I have had plenty of time to think. It has made me realise that the one and only overriding thought in my life is this.
That God exists.
That He is the source of all true knowledge.
That He can be known – in fact He has revealed himself to us.
The problem, as Morpheus states it to Neo, is that,
“Most of these people are not willing to be unplugged”.

We are living in a world where everyone is battling for control over everyone else. “They” want your attention, your money, your loyalty, perhaps even your soul if they could get it.
“They” are not giving you anything back. Its all one way and its all towards them.
They promise everything but give nothing.

There is an answer. There is one who can break those chains no matter how big they are or how many.
He can unplug you from the matrix of delusion, the world where you exist only as a source of energy for others, and set you free.

So that is my future direction. I am moving on from the past and going into the future.

The fact is I will always have hepc.
I will never be fully well.
I will get progressively worse (in my body)
But because of the God I met thirty two years ago those facts aren’t really relevant. I have a hope for the future that is not dependant on how my body functions or not. Not dependant on my income or financial or social status. Not even dependant on life or death.
He is eternal. Because He lives I can live to.

Please don’t think that I have “got religion”.
I always had it.
Don’t think that doing combination therapy has given me a revelation.
I began this blog stating that it would include the spiritual aspect to the journey through treatment. I have tried to keep that aspect to a minimum in order for the blog to be accessible to everyone. I think I have done that and the blog has proved popular with people from all walks and all faiths. I will still be mentioning Hepc and my recovery.
This is still first and foremost a hepc blog. But its obvious from the above that this blog will change content somewhat at times and sometimes will include more of the faith element.

At one time during treatment I thought of going back to journalism. I have rethought on that. Instead of reporting the bad news of the world I intend to go into full time telling the good news of hope in Jesus Christ.
This is not a soft option as in over 150 countries worldwide it is a crime to be a Christian and you can be beaten up, tortured and locked away.
Even killed.
I have met people to whom this has happened. They are amazing souls.

A lot of people have asked me how I have remained so positive with all the various things that have happened to me since beginning this blog.
This posting is the answer to that question.