Could Be The End
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Today was really the last straw that made me realise I could not keep on with this madness. The thought of nine more months of this hell is too much. I have tried to remain positive but the endless cloud over the whole of life is too much. If I could just have a break from all this – to get off the front line. But it is relentless. I am now hoping for a negative viral response so that I will be forced to give up treatment.
I won’t quit – I’m far too stubborn for that – stubborn mind you, not brave. But I was secretly hoping that the results of week 12 would be negative and I suddenly voiced that today to Sarah. Once it was out in the open I saw that this is what I really wanted.
I don`t feel I am letting myself or anyone else down. I gave it my best shot, I did the best I could. I forgot to take my riba tonight at the usual time. When I realised this I could still have taken them but I didn`t bother. I won`t keep doing this.
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Today was really the last straw that made me realise I could not keep on with this madness. The thought of nine more months of this hell is too much. I have tried to remain positive but the endless cloud over the whole of life is too much. If I could just have a break from all this – to get off the front line. But it is relentless. I am now hoping for a negative viral response so that I will be forced to give up treatment.
I won’t quit – I’m far too stubborn for that – stubborn mind you, not brave. But I was secretly hoping that the results of week 12 would be negative and I suddenly voiced that today to Sarah. Once it was out in the open I saw that this is what I really wanted.
I don`t feel I am letting myself or anyone else down. I gave it my best shot, I did the best I could. I forgot to take my riba tonight at the usual time. When I realised this I could still have taken them but I didn`t bother. I won`t keep doing this.
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posted by Paul | 12:20 AM
7 Comments:
Paul,
You say that you aren't brave but I think it is really brave to live with the side effects that you have for so long already, inevitably they will get you down and the thought of facing another 9 months must be dire.
When you get the results of your 12 weeks PCR you will be in a position to make an informed decision about the future. Perhaps all you can manage for now is to make a commitment to stick with treatment until these results come in.
Okay so you dont feel brave at the moment to just stick with being stubborn for now.
I am thinking about you.
Jonathan
P.S. When I went through my wobble you knidly sent me your phone number, I will email you my number should you wish to talk to someone today.
Hi Paul,
I agree with Jonathan - you've suffered terrible sides with tx and I have huge respect for how brave you've been for weathering through them up until now. Saying that they are too much to bear is in itself a very brave statement to make.
I too would encourage you to hang on until the pcr 12 week results come in, even if it's just to decide at that point that you will not in any event continue treatment. I'd also please ask that you discuss this with your doctor. You are on one whacking dose of medication - maybe they can cut it back? I don't know if that's possible, but could be worth looking at.
There are lots of us out here supporting you, what ever you decide to ultimately do. It is your choice and I believe that you are brave, no matter what choice that is.
Sue
HI PAUL, YOU WROTE TO MY DAUGHTER A FEW WEEKS BACK, SHE HAS JUST READ YOUR POSTING AND WANTED TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO YOU.
HELLO PAUL
I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY ON THE TREATMENT BECAUSE THE HEP C COULD BE WORST THAN THE SIDE AFFECTS!!
EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO, SO KEEP POSTING IN AND I WILL KEEP WRITTING COMMENTS!
KEEP ON THAT TREATMAENT AND I WILL WRITE IN SOON!
NICOLE
PS GOOD LUCK WITH THE TREATMENT.
PAUL, MY LITTLE GIRL DOES NOT QUITE UNDERSTAND THE SIDES, BUT WHAT SHE SAYS COMES FROM THE HEART.
ALL THE BEST MATE
STEVE
Hi Paul,
Would it help if I wrote that I know how you feel? Because I do. The debilitating side effects have a curve to them - they get worse and then better, and chances are that you won't always feel this down.
I'm glad you wrote this post today. Keep talking with Sarah and with the rest of us and with any professionals who can help.
I've also emailed you. Take care.
Peter
Your test results are due anyday. I agree that you should wait until then so you can make an informed choice.
Daddy, I support you through all of this, regardless of what you decide. Please think hard before you do decide.
Maybe I am selfish but I want to see the man that put me on his shoulders and ran through fields with me. If treatment is succesful there is so much to gain. Energy and a new vitality.
I love you and will pray for you.
Gioia
Hello Paul, you were one of the people kind enough to reply to my first attempt at posting on the forum and strangely enough it was on this subject (well,SSRIs and depression, anyway). The reason I wrote in asking for advice was that I had a really bad spell of depression a few years back and this has made me very wary about trying tx as I am terrified of being plunged back into that bleakness (or worse) again. BUT; I did learn one thing during that period and that is that things change all the time: for the worse, for the better and back again...nothing stays the same. I really hope you can hold on til your results and then the decision will be made for you, from what you say....and maybe the struggle will ease and your quality of life will return. I do wish you well and the strength to hang on in there.
Best wishes, Jane
Hi paul,
I do agree with other people that you should not stop the treatment and carry on with hope and courage.
I wish you well,
Ijaz
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