Bitterness

*********************************************************************

I seem to be be fighting a losing battle with bitterness. As much as I know how great and powerful an enemy this is, ranking alongside self-pity as the greatest destroyer of inner peace yet I find myself giving in to it.
The more I look into the virus and its effects the more I see that it has been with me since I was 20 years old and has affected my entire adult life.
Symptoms of fatigue, low blood sugar etc have dogged me for 28 years .
And now the culmination of all this is a year of hell and misery.

What the fuck is it all about!
As strong as my beliefs are some days I want (and do) tell God just to fuck off.

Why? Why all this misery inflicted upon us all.
I gave up on pat answers long ago. Those smug Christians who know all the answers don`t get much room in my life.
Why are we given so much crap. And why do some seem immune. Fat cats with their bowl of cream which they stole from the poor. What happens to them?
Do they burn in hellfire? And if so what good does that do me?

Not only are you ill but you often get stigmatised by an ignorant public, deliberately kept in ignorance by authorities who you are paying to protect you.
Why do you have to fight for anything decent whereas evil comes naturally?

Answers on a postcard please.

Answering The Demon Nadgers

******************************************************************

Hello Blog! Hello visitors. I haven`t posted for awhile because I haven`t wanted to go on about my misery. There is no point is there? Some say a trouble shared is a trouble halved but I say a trouble shared is a trouble doubled. But it has been a very tough time and some days I have cried from sheer misery.
But not today! Today I feel clear headed. Today I can see what needs to be done and actually do it. Today for a brief spell I saw what I would be like without these heavy chemicals floating around my system and the possibility of being virus free.
It’s a long time since I felt like this. Not since February 23 rd in fact when I last blogged about a great day.
Frightening? No. Comforting. Because it means all this has an end. Not many get as many difficult side effects as I do but for those who do it does end.
I know this is just a brief respite and could change in a minute but it is a much needed oasis in the desert. There are days of remission on treatment when things are almost normal. There are days when they are better than the normal you were used to.
Soon, one way or another it will be over. Then all this will be in the past.

But on that day and on the successive days that I do feel normal there is a danger that I will forget what I have been like. Because I haven’t blogged about my misery overmuch, when I come to look back on my experience and use this weblog I will wonder why I didn`t do certain things to help myself.
Like some well meaning people now who say, “Why don`t you….(insert suggestion) when they don`t know what they are dealing with or what they are talking about.
I know myself too well – and I know the demon nadgers. When all this is a dim memory I will look back and a little voice will say,
“Why didn`t you read more?
“You should have gone out for more walks instead of spending so much time in the house.
“You could at least have sorted out your life a bit better
“Why didn`t you get out and see more people or invite them round
Why? Well, smart arse nadger I will tell you why.
I didn`t read cause I was so brain fogged my attention span was that of an earthworm. I kept drifting off and found it frustrating.
Go out for walks!! Somedays it was all I could do to get out of bed and shuffle around. Walking isn`t much fun when waves of nausea are rolling over you. Any way there was no point. The world of nature looked utterly dull and grey and lifeless. Remember?
Sort out my life!! That`s a good one. I did sort it out totally pre-treatment, but that wasn`t enough. No, the bastards still come and attack you when you are down – just like you are doing now, demon nadger.
In fact demon nadger I am ending this conversation right now because I know there is no point talking to you. I know you of old. You aren`t interested in my welfare, you just want to bring me down.
I done good. I always did. I did the best I could under the circumstances. I played the hand life dealt me, and I played it well.
I am free of you demon nadger. All those tapes you play to me are lies and distortions. The one great thing about treatment was that I saw you nadger for who you are. You told me I had to be in control, that nobody else could do it as well as me. You told me that weakness was powerlessness. You told me that invincibility was better than vulnerability.
You lied.

Whatever the future holds, whether I clear the virus or not, I won`t be held back by small minded demon nadgers – whatever form they take.