Bitterness
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I seem to be be fighting a losing battle with bitterness. As much as I know how great and powerful an enemy this is, ranking alongside self-pity as the greatest destroyer of inner peace yet I find myself giving in to it.
The more I look into the virus and its effects the more I see that it has been with me since I was 20 years old and has affected my entire adult life.
Symptoms of fatigue, low blood sugar etc have dogged me for 28 years .
And now the culmination of all this is a year of hell and misery.
What the fuck is it all about!
As strong as my beliefs are some days I want (and do) tell God just to fuck off.
Why? Why all this misery inflicted upon us all.
I gave up on pat answers long ago. Those smug Christians who know all the answers don`t get much room in my life.
Why are we given so much crap. And why do some seem immune. Fat cats with their bowl of cream which they stole from the poor. What happens to them?
Do they burn in hellfire? And if so what good does that do me?
Not only are you ill but you often get stigmatised by an ignorant public, deliberately kept in ignorance by authorities who you are paying to protect you.
Why do you have to fight for anything decent whereas evil comes naturally?
Answers on a postcard please.
I seem to be be fighting a losing battle with bitterness. As much as I know how great and powerful an enemy this is, ranking alongside self-pity as the greatest destroyer of inner peace yet I find myself giving in to it.
The more I look into the virus and its effects the more I see that it has been with me since I was 20 years old and has affected my entire adult life.
Symptoms of fatigue, low blood sugar etc have dogged me for 28 years .
And now the culmination of all this is a year of hell and misery.
What the fuck is it all about!
As strong as my beliefs are some days I want (and do) tell God just to fuck off.
Why? Why all this misery inflicted upon us all.
I gave up on pat answers long ago. Those smug Christians who know all the answers don`t get much room in my life.
Why are we given so much crap. And why do some seem immune. Fat cats with their bowl of cream which they stole from the poor. What happens to them?
Do they burn in hellfire? And if so what good does that do me?
Not only are you ill but you often get stigmatised by an ignorant public, deliberately kept in ignorance by authorities who you are paying to protect you.
Why do you have to fight for anything decent whereas evil comes naturally?
Answers on a postcard please.
posted by Paul | 2:32 PM
8 Comments:
I don’t admit this to too many people, but my husband and I watch those ridiculously stupid race car movies (he LOVES them - he’s the peculiar guy that can identify year, make and model by the sound of an engine going past) Anyhow, a quote from a silly race car movie may be worth repeating (for what it’s worth). Scene: the young American fellow is nervous about driving in the rally race and is starting to slightly irritate the coifed and debonaire Italian race car driver (picture Raul Julia, I think), the Italian driver in his flash Ferrari, cooly and assuredly rips off the mirror, tosses it over his shoulder, looks at the kid and says: "the first rule of Italian driving, "What’s-a behind me does not-a matter." It's a philosophy.
I wish you all the best. We all understand that it is hard not to look back when we can't see what's ahead.
Thanks Kerry Grace.
Mike is a really lucky guy - I can see why he fell in love with you.
You are actually very similair to Sarah in that you always manage to see a positive to everything.
Your story on your blog and your comments on mine have been a tremendous inspiration to me during my treatment.
Your statement : "It is hard not to look back when we can't see what's ahead" really got to the heart of the matter.
Treatment is such a strange time. It is so hard to adjust when you are used to things going well.
But I don`t need to tell you about that. Thats why your words in particular mean so much to me.
Thanks,
Paul.
Hi Paul,
Thanks for visiting my blog.
I'm sorry to read you are in a battle at the moment.
I want to encourage you to call on God in the name of Jesus to give you peace in your heart and in your mind by the power of the Holy Spirit. Reach out for that supernatural support.
Sod the smug Christians, only He has the power to bring about a healing. What can they do?
I don't wish to preach, I'm a crap Christian and bitterness is a powerful enemy I know.
On a spiritual level though, I would suggest a good antidote is to start praising God, out loud if this helps, whenever you feel you are coming under attack in this respect, and giving thanks for whatever blessings you can think of, no matter how small.
This exercise can generate a subtle but positive shift in the otherwise depressing thought patterns we can get stuck in.
I'm sure you know all this already, I hope you don't mind me reminding you.
From my perspective, waiting to start 48 weeks tx in August, you have come a long way, at 22 weeks you have almost broke the back of it.
God bless you.
Good wishes
Miss Poppy
Thanks, Misspoppy. Your comment very much appreciated.
I know you are starting in August so I would warn you that the spiritual effects of treatment are not to be underestimated.
It is my personal belief that Ribavirin has hallucinogenic properties. By that I do not mean that you "see things" although some have reported hallucinations on tx. Rather, it is a mind and consciousness altering substance. As such it will definitely have an effect on the soul and spirit.
Actually, now that I am into this subject I see the need to post it on my blog which I will do.
Thanks for your input.
Paul.
Yeah Paul, treatment is like an acid trip gone very wrong. On a sprititual note, along with praising God and thanking Jesus for the blessings he's preparing for you (that you can't see right now), keep telling the enemy he's a liar. He's not omnipresent but he's the best multitasker ever and together with the treatment mentality those lies seem bigger than our Lord's promises, believe me I know. I totally get the bitterness, I'm letting God put the pieces of my life together now. It's like I went to sleep in my late 30s, had a long bad nightmare and just woke up. I have to shove all those thoughts away continually about where I could have been (I coulda been a contender) yeah, but I'm on the path the Lord put me. Stay strong Paul and everyone else. Keep the faith, it's the only way.
Nadine
Ah, Nadine, I smiled when you used the "I coulda been a contender" quote. I often think of it.
Your bad trip on treatment has been really helpful in orientating myself on the journey.
Great news for you this week. 6 months clear and looking forward to a new life.
"He will restore the years the locust has eaten"
Paul.
Paul:
I won't give you any smug Christian answers. I will say this: your locust quote is a truth that I stand on in my own life.
I spent 15 years battling substance abuse before fully turning to God. He gave me 15 more years before revealing to me that I had Hepatitis C ... a result of my substance abuse.
At last check, I had a negative viral load with at least 18 weeks of treatment left.
On Monday, the day after my PEGIntron shot, I had to leave work early because of the side-effects. Today, I felt too lousy to go in ... flu-like, abdominal pains, chilled, sweating.
I'm wondering, "Sheesh, I had been doing so well with the side-effects."
Bruddah, I'm just paying the piper ...
For those who received this hell because of bad blood products, or some other way that was no fault of your own, I'm so very sorry. It's one thing to reap what you sow; it's another thing to reap someone else's crop.
Again, I am so sorry if that is your situation.
Grace, peace, and seeking forgiveness for whatever part I may have played, if any.
Paul,
you can be my hero for 48 weeks.
But when this is over you will be my extra special hero for the rest of my life.
Ilove you
Sarah
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