Vulnerable
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One of the most disconcerting sides of tx is the feeling of vulnerability you get.
It isn`t a constant but some days its like being on a mild acid trip. When I was heavily into eastern mysticism I read that hallucinogenic drugs shatter the protective aura that surrounds the body. I absolutely believe this to be true. It has nothing to do with occult belief – it is merely a fact., and one that has been measured scientifically.
I think this happens on treatment and accounts for a lot of the odd mental effects.
It is this feeling of vulnerability that makes you reclusive and reluctant to venture out.
I still remember the feeling of relief I would get as I was nearing home and safety after a foray out to the shops or library or some other dangerous place.
As an early experimenter of hallucinogenics I came to know and handle the effects of the trip. Likewise on tx, after awhile you get to know the cycle of these odd effects. Some days I would wake up and know that I would not be going out that day, no matter what.
I just didn`t feel safe. This vulnerability has been one of the first things to go on detox.
I am now fully back, fully in control and would feel utterly secure in most urban situations.
If that isn`t weird tell me what is?
Looking at the brief I gave myself to fulfil in the beginning of this blog I said I would note the spiritual effects of the journey. This would be from my current position as a Christian. Although my background is eastern mysticism, divination and sorcery I left all these behind when I converted to Christianity.
For someone living in the spiritual realm treatment has particular pitfalls.
Irritatingly, like everything else on tx no one seems to experience the same effects.
But the most common reported symptoms are lack of joy, feelings of isolation from God, a sense of being in a wilderness. The sense of abandonment can be acute and a great trial. In the midst occasional glimpses of light in the dark. I personally have experienced some incredibly dark times. Like most of us I have known dark nights of the soul. I did have a couple of months of this early on in tx.
It greatly improved after the reduction in ribavirin at 24 weeks. Someone on 800 mgs of riba and geno 2 or 3 may hardly get any of these effects. Once you are up to 1000mg and over odd things do tend to happen.
After 6 weeks of tx I didn`t bother having a standard meditation or quiet time in the morning. I have been flying by the seat of my pants ever since. It has been both frightening and exhilarating.
Coming out of the tx experience I find my faith is stronger and my relationship with God deepened. Knowing I can be totally and utterly honest and myself before someone who knows all about me has been a comfort.
But not an always felt comfort.
If I was looking for constant comfort which was under my control, give me heroin every time. But that’s just a crutch, a soother, an anaesthetic.
For real on the edge living give me life in Christ.
One of the most disconcerting sides of tx is the feeling of vulnerability you get.
It isn`t a constant but some days its like being on a mild acid trip. When I was heavily into eastern mysticism I read that hallucinogenic drugs shatter the protective aura that surrounds the body. I absolutely believe this to be true. It has nothing to do with occult belief – it is merely a fact., and one that has been measured scientifically.
I think this happens on treatment and accounts for a lot of the odd mental effects.
It is this feeling of vulnerability that makes you reclusive and reluctant to venture out.
I still remember the feeling of relief I would get as I was nearing home and safety after a foray out to the shops or library or some other dangerous place.
As an early experimenter of hallucinogenics I came to know and handle the effects of the trip. Likewise on tx, after awhile you get to know the cycle of these odd effects. Some days I would wake up and know that I would not be going out that day, no matter what.
I just didn`t feel safe. This vulnerability has been one of the first things to go on detox.
I am now fully back, fully in control and would feel utterly secure in most urban situations.
If that isn`t weird tell me what is?
Looking at the brief I gave myself to fulfil in the beginning of this blog I said I would note the spiritual effects of the journey. This would be from my current position as a Christian. Although my background is eastern mysticism, divination and sorcery I left all these behind when I converted to Christianity.
For someone living in the spiritual realm treatment has particular pitfalls.
Irritatingly, like everything else on tx no one seems to experience the same effects.
But the most common reported symptoms are lack of joy, feelings of isolation from God, a sense of being in a wilderness. The sense of abandonment can be acute and a great trial. In the midst occasional glimpses of light in the dark. I personally have experienced some incredibly dark times. Like most of us I have known dark nights of the soul. I did have a couple of months of this early on in tx.
It greatly improved after the reduction in ribavirin at 24 weeks. Someone on 800 mgs of riba and geno 2 or 3 may hardly get any of these effects. Once you are up to 1000mg and over odd things do tend to happen.
After 6 weeks of tx I didn`t bother having a standard meditation or quiet time in the morning. I have been flying by the seat of my pants ever since. It has been both frightening and exhilarating.
Coming out of the tx experience I find my faith is stronger and my relationship with God deepened. Knowing I can be totally and utterly honest and myself before someone who knows all about me has been a comfort.
But not an always felt comfort.
If I was looking for constant comfort which was under my control, give me heroin every time. But that’s just a crutch, a soother, an anaesthetic.
For real on the edge living give me life in Christ.
posted by Paul | 12:14 AM
1 Comments:
Hi Paul,
I identify deeply with your experience. I thought it was 'me'and my old vulnerabily resurfacing; very scary stuff, to find myself somewhere in my head that I hoped never to visit again. I have also missed my meditations because, though knowing they would be good to me, I have been speeding around inside my head but unable to do anything.
The other thing too, the going out bit. I found myself defending my position to a friend when she suggested that I may be having mild agoraphobia. I also start to feel better and safer on nearing home, and that can be from a visit to my local shops two minute walk away, never mind Asda (if I didn't have the car I would not go out). I knew it is the result of the drugs I take, but why was I defending myself to my friend.
It is reassuring to read other people's experience that validate the few left vestiges of my old sanity and balance.
Thank you Paul.
Liliana
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