Post Tx Report 1
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Whenever you are reading anyone’s story to gain some insights for yourself it is always useful to bear in mind their circumstances. Often whether treatment (TX) is hard or less hard (its never easy) can depend on an individuals circumstances. Someone who has few financial worries and can afford a cleaner to tidy up after them is going to have an easier time than someone living on a council estate on benefits.
Someone who has had a successful TX and cleared the virus may well have a different reaction post TX than someone who has had a failed TX and had to abort treatment.
For me, the first four days of coming to terms with ending TX were intensely emotional. Lots of grief, body racking sobs and despair. But also loads of relief and a feeling of thank god that’s over. Moments of great calm and peace, of feeling I had done the right thing. Other very dark moments wondering whether I had wasted all my time. Thoughts that I may have done some lasting damage to my body by continuing using such powerful chemicals for such a long time kept popping up to the surface to disturb me.
Throughout all this an almost unbelievable weariness. At times I wondered whether I actually had enough energy left to continue life support. It would not have surprised me if I just dropped down dead of sheer exhaustion.
I got by on pure carrot and stick and raw emotion.
The female type hormones which are in the ascendancy while on TX are now receding and being replaced by testosterone. I know this by the simple fact that early morning erections which had become a thing of the past have now returned. Also an aggression and a bloody mindedness which while I didn’t think I missed during tx I am very glad to have back.
The hunter, gatherer, warrior and protector of the family unit is returning.
I have had some massive surges of anger at some of the stuff that has been my lot on Tx.
Hassles from Govt departments, banks and corporations have been bad enough. But a general lack of understanding and help in the community at large did make me very angry.
The anger seems to be receding a little and I am merely left with a disturbing unease at the way in which our society has gone.
Care in the community?? Fuck off, Tony, it doesn`t exist.
I am hoping that when the warrior truly returns he will need no care at all – from anyone - ever. But I also sincerely pray he will remember this experience of being (often) alone and defenceless and will be more willing to help others when he happens upon them.
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Whenever you are reading anyone’s story to gain some insights for yourself it is always useful to bear in mind their circumstances. Often whether treatment (TX) is hard or less hard (its never easy) can depend on an individuals circumstances. Someone who has few financial worries and can afford a cleaner to tidy up after them is going to have an easier time than someone living on a council estate on benefits.
Someone who has had a successful TX and cleared the virus may well have a different reaction post TX than someone who has had a failed TX and had to abort treatment.
For me, the first four days of coming to terms with ending TX were intensely emotional. Lots of grief, body racking sobs and despair. But also loads of relief and a feeling of thank god that’s over. Moments of great calm and peace, of feeling I had done the right thing. Other very dark moments wondering whether I had wasted all my time. Thoughts that I may have done some lasting damage to my body by continuing using such powerful chemicals for such a long time kept popping up to the surface to disturb me.
Throughout all this an almost unbelievable weariness. At times I wondered whether I actually had enough energy left to continue life support. It would not have surprised me if I just dropped down dead of sheer exhaustion.
I got by on pure carrot and stick and raw emotion.
The female type hormones which are in the ascendancy while on TX are now receding and being replaced by testosterone. I know this by the simple fact that early morning erections which had become a thing of the past have now returned. Also an aggression and a bloody mindedness which while I didn’t think I missed during tx I am very glad to have back.
The hunter, gatherer, warrior and protector of the family unit is returning.
I have had some massive surges of anger at some of the stuff that has been my lot on Tx.
Hassles from Govt departments, banks and corporations have been bad enough. But a general lack of understanding and help in the community at large did make me very angry.
The anger seems to be receding a little and I am merely left with a disturbing unease at the way in which our society has gone.
Care in the community?? Fuck off, Tony, it doesn`t exist.
I am hoping that when the warrior truly returns he will need no care at all – from anyone - ever. But I also sincerely pray he will remember this experience of being (often) alone and defenceless and will be more willing to help others when he happens upon them.
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posted by Paul | 10:52 AM
2 Comments:
Paul,
I felt similar emotions on re-entry as you call it, with the exception of any and all things that have to do with testosterone. All of it is very justified.
Thanks for all the wonderful insights. I guess I have to take the testosterone thing back, because you and John at the very least know that I did grow some virtual ones (cojones) on treatment and beyond. Just having guts is really not enough for some of us.
Strength and peace in God's love,
Nadine
Steady on Paul they will give it to the army next with all that testosterone.
Glad you love Tony and his running down of the system.
It is a terrible thing you have gone through. It is good to see you back.
One good thing is Nadine showed us her cojones; virtually.
Not sure if that is allowed
John.
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